Well, I’m finished with Round 4 of Karma dry fucking my ass with a cactus. Yep, thats 4 “Manic Spells,” lasting 6-9 months each, through which I’ve managed to stay alive. What I did in past lives, I don’t know, but we’ll just leave that to the experts the next go around, if there is such a shift. In reality, in the here and now, my heightened states of awareness were a direct response to energy and vibrational shifts within, whether I consciously knew this or not.
I put “Manic Spells” in quotes, not because I take it lightly (truth be told, I take this very seriously, more seriously than most people I know with or without the label), but I put this in quotes because I really am uncomfortable using the term Mania, which implies I agree that Bipolar is in fact a disorder. Yes, very unpopular opinion, but I’m not the only one. And it’s high time I speak from my soul vs. offending it by bowing down to the powers that be at every turn. After all, no one on earth is forced to live with me but myself.
Each time I go through these states, they seem to become more profound over time, resulting in deeper crashes and deeper rest for longer periods of time.
This 4th go around, however, doesn’t fit the mold. I am not crashing. I am thriving. My energy is stable and my vibes are singing in tune with the song Mother Nature and this Universe intended for us to hear.
I am not experiencing the proverbial crash or depression because I am changing my language when I speak about my experiences, thus changing my reality of what I experience thereafter. There is great intention behind mostly everything I say, which is why I am slow to speak in my most stable states.
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
I owe a lot of this stability to mentors along my way, my willingness to accept their guidance and very tedious and, sometimes, excrutiating inner self-work.
Which on a bitter note, makes me resent people when they say I don’t know myself, I need to do this or that and that to achieve stability and/or sobriety I must submit myself to disease. It immediately, yet superficially, puts them on a pedestal for their own egotistical satisfaction and in saying this, they are also immediately discounting any work I have done for decades. Maybe this is a pride issue of mine, something to chew on.
I am learning to sift through this web of untruths and very quickly, as I am surrounded by this verbal draining almost every day now in the rooms of AA and in some therapy throughout each week.
Point blank. I don’t buy into labels. I don’t buy into this notion that one way is the only way to recovery and I certainly don’t buy into this idea that because I am, yet again, in early recovery that I do not know and understand myself on a profound level.
This is simply verbal assault. I have not even touched on energetic pulls and draining yet. Let’s just say that I become very aware of who depletes it and who enhances it and makes me feel awake and vibrant. Right now, in this early stage of stability, it’s imperative I protect myself as I learn to sift through the ins and outs of whose energy and/baggage belongs to whom.
I have great support, amazing counsel and I also have a whole host of divinity on my side, as do you, in the form of spiritual guides…some blood, some not. Although, if ya really want to get into it, we are all related as one, so whether or not they are blood matters little.
What matters is I have finally accepted I need support. How I receive it is up to me from this day forward.
For now, I choose to receive, resonate and work holistically and primarily with with Energy Healers, Sound Therapy, Art Therapy, Music Therapy, Spiritual Guidance, Yoga and Meditation.