There were no roses on my doorstep. Neither was there a plate full of tacos. Just 4 frantic phone calls in the middle of the night from a drunken man looking for a place to lie his weary head. To the man, who shall remain a mystery, you missed out on me. I became a second choice for you, but luckily I’m now first in my book.
Isn’t it almost like clockwork when the Universe will send us distractions just when we’re about to fully right our ships? It’s uncanny, really. I still question whether they’re distractions so much as they are residual karma left over from consequences from our own actions.
In any case, I’m sober and aware enough now to fully take responsibility for the chaos I’ve allowed in my life, created and have now done away with. After watching my life fall to pieces from heartbreak over a man that was never mine and consequently allowing a toxic relationship to seep in as a result, anyone would assume it’d be easy to never let it happen again.
But it’s not easy and if it were, we’d all be our own heroes and heroines, wouldn’t we?
As luck would have it, the Universe sent confirmations that I had done the best thing for myself by ignoring the calls, which was not easy to do because there is a piece of me that still seeks out chaos, as it’s the only thing I’ve known, other than a few stints here and there. It’s one thing to know, it’s another to actually follow through with what is best for your growth, sobriety and self-respect. The messages received were comforting and hopeful.
After all, I owe no one anything if it is going to compromise my sobriety and stability. If those two things are not my top priority, all else is lost and the future I have set out for myself will never exist. I may as well commit myself into a ward right now. I cannot afford to put my emotional states first and ignore the consciously mindful steps I’ve taken to get to this place I am today after another excruciating 2.5 years of active addiction, chaos and psychosis.
Ladies and Gents, never let anyone come before you that is truly behind you. If it were a healthy relationship, evolution and timing would have risen you together as two whole beings partnering as one. Yes, we are called to lift others, help others heal and facilitate growth in others, but not at the expense of our sanity and well-being. That is where I go wrong every damn time.
Something has to give and it’s time we admit we could be or have been part of the problem. That is where self-love and forgiveness comes into play.
What happened to us may not be our fault, but healing and recovery from that which hurt us is 100% our responsibility.