Life Beyond Recovery.

 “Healers are Spiritual Warriors who have found the courage to defeat the darkness of their souls. Awakening and rising from the depths of their deepest fears, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Reborn with a wisdom and strength that creates a light that shines bright enough to help, encourage, and inspire others out of their own darkness.” 
~ Melanie Koulouris

I never considered myself a healer, but here I am on the brink of living out my purpose on this Earth. And I’m terrified because I saw it coming. Yet, I am under-prepared.

cropped-img_20180406_150304_504.jpg

I was diagnosed with Bipolar One Disorder in 2010 and since then my life has taken drastic turns, trips down the rabbit hole, through countless psych ward stays, adventures through love and life, homelessness, run-ins with law enforcement (handcuffs included), and wild spiritually-awakened states at every edge where I’d eventually fall off into suicidal pleas for help, as if by cue.

This was decades of of non-stop chaos due to my Mother’s diagnosis when I was a child. I have not stopped fighting stigma since that day.

Needless to say …

I’m exhausted.

Since that time, I’ve neglected self-care, hygiene, and any attempt to fit in to society as a vibrant, inspiring and and care-free Lizzy, like I used to be before my diagnosis.

I look in the mirror most days and don’t even recognize myself because I’ve lost my voice due to the stigma I fight every day, within and without.

PSX_20171117_130448.jpg

What hurts me most in this, is that I neglected almost every single close relationship I have ever had with anyone in my entire life, destroyed relationships due to addiction and trauma, and some others have ceased to exist due to blinding stigma and misunderstandings. The trauma from losing friend after friend and family member after family member, episode after episode, is almost too much to bare.

I am currently involved in recovery programs from addiction and mental illness. Many include trauma sensitive groups, alternative healing such as yoga, vibrational sound healing, energy healing and Buddhist-based recovery groups.

I recently lost my ex due to a heroin overdose. Needless to say, more recovery, more writing, more art, more dark days. It never ends and I understand that, but I’d love to focus now on living. My life has been 100% focused on recovery for 10 years now and I feel something is missing, although I’ve focused much of those years immersed in my own personal journey through art therapy, art and writing as a catalyst for change and growth. I want to reach out to like-minded folks and grow from there. I need to have some good old fashioned fun like I used to! I would love to meet new people interested in like-minded, sober activites and from there, create healing journeys for others.

I would love nothing more than to move on from the recent past, create a career around my potential talent and find some like-minded people who would join in the journey, yet I don’t remember what it is like to interact with others, live and laugh. The universe is calling me to leadership positions yet I lack all confidence.

I’m crying inside to move forward to a point where I can claim that the student indeed becomes the teacher. I want to give back and help others find the healer within, so they are empowered to move on and out of this cycle of STUCK.

FB_IMG_1524131672720

We may not be responsible for what happened to us, but we are 100% responsible for our recovery.

Recovery may seem to be the end-all be-all, but I think it goes further than this. It’s necessary to get to a point where we are enjoying life, laughing and content in our being, knowing we’ve put our all into recovery and continue to do so, seamlessly. I know, but I rarely live.

I have the pieces, now I’m just looking for seamless integration and I forgot how to sew.

Screenshot_20190317-184924.png

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s