Notes to Self – In All Disorder, A Secret Order.

He knew, we all knew, so much lay beneath the surface yet to be seen. How is one to sum it all up in one letter when you cannot even fit it into a book? The complexity of your condition overflows the confines of any finished piece, splitting the binding on the spine so every page falls to the floor in innumerable cascades of your own personal truth … each page, regardless of the order in which it’s read, a complete short and sweet snippet of what is yet to come.

The genius behind the chaos, is that one can take a random page from the far corner of the room and illuminate a new truth with a random page hidden beneath a pile of 6 that fell to the floor only moments before, with no way of knowing how they connect. Yet, the same theme that hovers above the whole, still stays intact – the bigger picture.

“In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.” 

Carl Jung

Time is irrelevant in this excerpt from the letter to your Father. Bryan left out the spirituality that cloaked your condition because the powers that be at the time wouldn’t have entertained such folly. Although your power belongs only to you, with 17 more paragraphs to go, he meddled with what you left ripe for the taking, knowing you better than you knew yourself at that time. He went straight to the source and laid it out as best he could on your behalf.

Read between the lines. Honor it for what it is – a brazen, ripe hot/cold display of love for your well-being, but do not own it. Only you know your prophetic voice.

There was always and always will be more to the story.

(excerpt) from Letter – November 2015

“Dear D,


She will indeed stop the medication when she leaves the hospital.  I believe her when she says that to me, and I’m glad she is not complacent and accepting of this ideology that she is a broken human being with a chemical imbalance (which happens to be a truth but completely not the whole story).   She is a fighter, and I’m sure she has you to thank for that, and although an inconvenience to me at times, it is only because she is an intelligent fighter that I appreciate who she is.  

The medication “masks” the underlying problem that Elizabeth has..  It is the same problem that exists in me to this day, although I no longer handle it like Elizabeth has been handling it recently, but I assure you I was as unpleasant and as problematic if not more.   She is angry at society for what they did to her, for how she suffered so long and now is beginning to see the problem much more clearly, which isn’t her (but also is her..).    Although society is an amazing system, someone as beautiful as Elizabeth was completely exploited by the system without her interests in mind, but rather the “society’s” interests in mind.    She fell for it, and now she has woken up to the situation, and now has a ridiculous amount of unresolved anger built up in her soul.

There are two ways that Elizabeth can and will travel if she does not end up dead in life.  She is too far in understanding to remain ignorant or on medication for the rest of her life, but not far enough to really understand the full implications of the problem at hand (I am only 29 and have been crazier much longer than Elizabeth has starting at age 15 or so, and still I cannot comprehend the problem in its full grasps to begin thinking about effective solutions).  People like Elizabeth, people like me, become terrorists, great leaders, healers, or sometimes a buoyant clown, but the truth remains clearly there, Elizabeth has a great amount of potential.  Let us just pray that the potential is realized.  

So when Elizabeth comes off this medication, all that anger is still going to be there and problems will arise again.    There is a possible chance she might be in a homeless shelter or some other unfortunate situation that would place her in danger if that anger came out of her again, and truthfully, I much prefer her taking her anger out in a mental hospital then on the streets.    But, if Elizabeth is to have a good life, she needs to be free to be herself without anything imposed on her (that she didn’t cause to imposed on her).   That means she needs to be allowed to be angry and lash on the system, or you, or me.   I think we both are in the same stand point that it doesn’t matter if she takes it out on us, it doesn’t change whether we appreciate her as a beautiful human being.     

Thank you for your time and consideration,

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